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Epic of Time Wasted

This is going to be a long one so if you dont want to take the time then I thats ok. I just need to get all of this shit off my chest before it drives me insane. The logical progression might at best be disjointed but just bear with me because I am just doing the whole "stream of conscience" thing. With that said, I guess I might as well get started. I dont know what I am going to do with my life. Im a 20 something year old college student and it scares the hell out of me that I am going to be entering the "real" world soon. I am so sick of all the pressure, the decisions, the constant "this is for your future" crap. I know I know. Poor me. In college blah blah blah. Well you know what? Sometimes I wish that I didnt live in this world. Why couldnt I be happy doing something with my hands. I love physical labor. Why cant I just build stuff for the rest of my life? Work on a farm? Be a carpenter? Why? Because I didnt have the choice. Since I can remember it has been a well known fact that I would go to college and my entire life has been building up to this point. My parents worked their asses off so they could afford to send me to the best schools and I appreciate it, but now that I am almost done I dont know if this is what I really want to do. I just want to scream "Stop" until my throat is raw. I want to take a break from everything. Re-evaluate my decisions up to this point and be able to figure out what I really want to do. It doesnt help that my tastes are about as ecclectic as they come and that my intrests vary drastically from one week to the next. I am having trouble just staying on topic typing here! (Thanks ADD!!!) The big problem is that I dont have that option. Now that I have been in school for so long, and since my parents cant afford to just write a check like some of my friends parents can, I have to start paying off my student loans as soon as Im no longer in school. So even if I wanted to just take a break and take it easy for a while, I would have to find a REALLY well paying job to be able to afford to live and pay off my loans until I finally decided to go BACK to school. So what do I do now? Just keep going? Finish school and get a job? My biggest fear is that I am going to wake up one day, middle aged and unhappy with my job and wonder, "What if?" or even worse "What the hell am I doing?". Its not just school and money though. Its relationships too. Why does every girl I date have to be worried about marriage. Yeah Im in my twenties, but Im not 25 so I still consider myself young. Why cant I just date someone because I enjoy them? Why cant I just enjoy your company, our relationship, our conversation, or god forbid, simply enjoy having sex with you? Im not talking out and out hedonism here but I just feel like Im missing the whole joy of life because everything just moves so goddamn fast. I remember graduating highschool thinking I had so much time in college to figure this all out and BOOM. Here I am years later still as unsure as I was the day that I turned 18. At least then my parents didnt hassle me about getting this job here, checking out this job lead there, making contacts with such and such person because his cousins sisters best friends uncle worked with a guy that once mowed the lawn of the guy that worked at some company or other. I hate it. Im sick of it. I just want to get away from everything. I could be just as happy teaching scube diving or working in some dumpy resort somewhere as long as my basic needs (food, shelter, clothes, etc.) were met and I could live the lifestyle that I wanted. But its not just about ME. Its never just ME. Well why the hell not? Why cant it be about me? Shouldnt my future and my happiness be about what I want? Should I really have to worry that my parents might not want to tell all of their friends what I do for a living because it might make them look bad? If I do decide to do something that isnt "noble" like working for the Peace Corps. (fucking hippies) or choose instead to pick a job that I love but doesnt make much money, am I doing my parents a disservice? Am I pissing away all of their hours of hard work to give me the best education possible? I dont think so. But they do. So what the hell am I going to do about it? For now Im going to the store to buy a bottle of whiskey and cigarettes. Then I am going to drink my problems away so I can party with my friends as if there is nothing wrong. Then tomorrow, when I wake up hungover and feeling like shit wondering what I am going to do with my life, I will come back here and post something else because I am a whiny bitch that isnt going to do a fucking thing about where I find myself in life. Im just going to bend over and take it like the bitch that I am.




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