An Open Letter to Your Mom
I am so sick of hearing women complain about how men perform in the bedroom. I am so sick of hearing girls talk about how hard it is to be a woman when it comes to sex. Look no further than "Sex in the City" for a glaring example (but dont ask why I know this) "Men dont know how hard a blowjob is. There is the breathing, the gag reflex..." Are you kidding me? First of all, getting a guy off is simple. If you pull on my penis enough eventually you will win. Other than that all you have to do is be sexy. Yet, no matter how many copies of Cosmo you girls have "read" I'm about to write a rant here that half of the people that frequent this site wont read because its too long! Well ladies, too bad. Sit down. Shut up. Read On.Handjobs - I loathe to actually dedicate any time at all to this but since some of you out there STILL think this is acceptable I guess I have to. Even though we are no longer in middle school, if you make the terrible decision to give a handjob use lube. Thats my only adivce. I will always do it better than you but at least with lube I wont get an Indian Burn so bad it looks like I have the Kool-Aid Man's dick between my legs.
Blowjobs - Any girl out there that says "I dont do that" and I know youre out there, I only have one thing to say to you. Enjoy knowing the fact that your boyfriend/husband will never be sexually satisfied. Whats that? He said he doesnt mind? He said he doesnt like them anyway? He's a liar Madam. For those of you women out there who don't swallow, I have nothing but the utmost contempt for you. Im not going to even get started. All I have to say is that if you dont swallow it, it had damn well better end up somewhere cool like on your boobs, face, or in a shot glass. "Spitters are Quitters" Enough said.
Sex - More than anything ladies, dont be so damned lazy and selfish. That whole move where you roll us over so we are on top? Thats not cute. Every guy has had it happen to them, and its fucking lame. Dont give me a cute smirk afterwards either. I just want to spit in your mouth and then punch you in the eye. If I wasnt so desperate to get my dick wet I might actually get up and walk out next time. Is it so much to expect you to actually be on top or even, God forbid, that we do it from behind? This isnt Victorian England and we arent going to go jail as sodomites if we do it in a position OTHER than missionary.
Finally, like I said before, its really easy to get a guy off. Yet, even knowing this fact, you can on occasion move a little on your own. Especially when I am on top doing all the work. But PLEASE, if your rhythm is that terrible, or if you just arent that sure how sex REALLY works, please tell me in advance. If I pop out more than twice because you are flopping around like a fish out of water I am gonna hate you forever and tell all of my friends that you went ass to mouth. Oh, and to you rare females that actually arent lazy bastards and do on occasion "ride the pony"? While I am all for enthusiasm, I cant enjoy myself after you slide off me the first time and almost break my dick bending it in half. Be careful up there please?
To the chicks that dont make a sound during sex? If I really wanted to sleep with an inanimate object I would buy a doll, dig up a corpse, or get married (ZING!). An "ooo" or an "ahh" would be nice. But if Im not doing it for you, then at least talk dirty or something. Then it will be over much quicker and you can get on with your life. On the other side of the coin, you girls out there that think its hot to sound like a pornstar? Stop. I know it doesnt feel THAT good and if I wanted someone to lie to me about how good it was I would pay them and at least get a good lay out of it. Anyway, I dont really care if you think this is too much text. I know I write a lot so dont bother posting one of those "Oh my God it's HUGE" (thats what SHE said) comments ok?
Rating:4.00
Comments
-
1Great vent although I must say that personally I've never liked cumming in a girl's mouth and fortunately my wife likes to be on top and loves it from behind. I admit she hardly makes a sound during sex, even when she's having her orgasm but I've learned to live with it because I understand her upbringing in a stoic family. The fact that she she sucks my cock like it's the most delicious popcsicle in the world and nearly squeezes my head off and vibrates when has an orgasm is all the proof I need that she's enjoying it.
Posted 5 months ago | Report -
2I know for a fact that I am not lying when I say I don't care for a blowjob. I think the thought of putting someone's genitals in your mouth is just gross. Yes, I'm a guy and I'm not gay.
Posted 5 months ago | Report -
3Sex and girls are overrated.And no I'm not a fag
Posted 5 months ago | Report -
42 and 3 the fact that you reiterated that you're not gay only reinforces it (esp #3).
Posted 5 months ago | Report -
5Sure number 4.
To the immature mind, the fact that someone doesn't partake in certain sexual things makes them gay.
Posted 5 months ago | Report -
6I'm not interested in females sexually, In fact I like to have bum sex with dudes. And no, I'm not a fag.
Posted 5 months ago | Report -
7Women are good for one thing only. Flat on there backs with there legs spread wide open.... Dumb Bitches
Posted 5 months ago | Report -
8I hope you rot in hell you ignorant fuck.
Posted 5 months ago | Report -
9^^ directed towards number 7.
Posted 5 months ago | Report -
10My take is this. Most women are repressed in this department anyhow, because of upbringing. They have been told for ever, that what they have between their legs is the most valuable thing they have, that they control use of. As far as the BJ goes,... that's BEYOND the vagina. I'm lucky though,... I have CONVERTED my little christian girl. She's all over it like an angel on whip cream.
Posted 5 months ago | Report -
11Ok, so what makes guys out there think they are pro at lickin a snatch?? let me tell you, you're not! about 85% of woman do not climax when she says she does while you gents are tryin to do your thing down there. If you like a girl, guide her the way you like it. If its just some one night thing, don't expect her to know exactly how YOU like it. Everyone is different.
Posted 5 months ago | Report -
12Just because I like to lick balls doesn't mean I'm gay. I could be a dog, that would make you a sick bestiality liking motherfucker. Also I like a sandwich after sex, so use all that extra energy you seemed to have sucked out of my dick and make me a po'boy.
Posted 5 months ago | Report -
13this made me laugh. oh my. hehe
Posted 4 months ago | Report -
14Decent vent indeed, and a good giggle too. I take it you've met a few starfish in your time (lie there spreadeagled and don't do A SINGLE THING)...
... But jesus christ if you're that bitter, no wonder you don't get good sex. Loosen up a little, man, and try something new :P
Posted 4 months ago | Report -
15Hey #7 screw you buddy!
Posted 2 months ago | Report