I suffer from EF
I would like to talk about a problem that has been affecting me for most of my adult life yet I've been forced to suffer in silence with this horrible affliction to this day. I'm sure many of you seen the commercials and magazine ads for medicines and pills to cure ED, or Erectile Dysfunction. Well, I suffer from what the medical texts refer to as EF or Ejaculatory Flatulence. With EF, at the height of sexual arousal, I am stricken with explosive and uncontrollable flatulence. I’m not talking about a little bit of flatulence, I’m talking about the loudest and most offensive smelling gas you have ever experienced emanating from a human being. As you can imagine, suffering from EF can really kill the mood during love making, especially during oral sex. But worse, it has made the act of tea bagging virtually impossible except with the filthiest of women. To this day, tea bagging the woman I love will be a simple joy I’ll never experience.It all started when I was thirteen or fourteen years old. I had found a copy of Playboy Magazine in my Dad’s closet and hid it under my mattress for further study at another time. That night I did what teenage boys do with dirty magazines . But instead of spending the night with the girl of my dreams, I instead experienced my first of many awful encounters with ejaculatory flatulence. On or about page 104 as I gazed at the beauty of the flaxen haired centerfold my ass exploded with gas so malodorous my parents awoke and were sure that there was a natural gas leak in the house and forced the whole family to evacuate. There I was, standing outside of my house confused and looking like I was smuggling a length of pepperoni in my pajamas and as far as my parents were concerned, I appeared to be strangely aroused by the notion of our house blowing up. I never said anything then and that silence has lasted all the way until this very moment.
In the next few years all the way to today I’ve tried so many cures, but nothing has worked. I even tried to date deaf women, but they could still smell it. I tried to date women with no sense of smell, but they could still hear it. I even tried dating women who were deaf with no sense of smell, but to this day my Craigslist ad looking for such a woman still has no replies.
Yes, that’s my story and that’s my secret shame. So the next time you pop a Viagra and make sweet love your significant other, just remember there’s no little blue pill to cure my affliction.
Rating:4.20
Comments
-
1Put a cork in it. Shove a butt plug in your ass and if the girl asks why tell her it makes your orgasms better.
Posted 6 months ago | Report -
2Doesn't sound like you'rE exactly "suffering in silence" - HAHAHAHAHA
Posted 6 months ago | Report -
3Not any more since he said he's been suffering in silence "to this day". Thank God for all of us that he finally decided to speak out about it so other men with EF won't be embarrassed to come forward and maybe one day they will be able to find a cure for these poor men. Although I think the butt plug sounds like the perfect solution.
Posted 6 months ago | Report -
4The flatulence ads in the sidebar are pretty funny. I wonder if we'll end up seeing any for EF?
Posted 6 months ago | Report -
5Find another chick without smelling and then play really really loud music and say that it sets the mood or as #1 said stick an ass plug in there and hope that it doesn't have enough build up force to push it out.
Posted 6 months ago | Report -
6Is this post for real?
Posted 6 months ago | Report -
7
Are you for real #6?
Posted 6 months ago | Report -
8jerk off more and flex your anal muscles and practice boy. The more you do it, it'll be under control
Posted 6 months ago | Report -
9*cries* that.. was.... so saaaad! t[]t omg please find a cure!!!! may you have good sex like you deserve!!!!! *pulls glass out from pocket and runs to a dark corner sobbing*
Posted 6 months ago | Report -
10ok so put on some loud music, turn on a fan and light a candle ahead of time, or just have scented plug ins all over your room. I have Glade ones that work awesome. Bath and Body works have scented plug ins that last 30-45days of wonderful scents that woman love! Might work?
Posted 6 months ago | Report -
11Never heard of this problem. I feel for you. Agree that a butt plug might be the answer. Its worth a try.
Posted 6 months ago | Report -
12Are you all dumb fucks? He was joking!!!
Fucking incredible!
Posted 6 months ago | Report -
13If you go the butt plug route make sure there are no breakable items behind you, just in case.
Posted 6 months ago | Report -
14You may call it a problem. I call it a gift. The solution is obvious. Film yourself flatulizing these girls. Post the vids on the internet. Make millions of dollar. I'm sure there are a million peole in the world willing to pay to see that. Then, you'll have so much money, it won't matter. You can be 5-5 and 500 pounds with a 2 in penis. You'll have so much money, women will flock to you. Who knows, it may become a fad. You can sell T-Shirts. Girls will be walking around with "My boyfriend farted in my face and all I got was this stupid shirt? You could then sell EF pills that help guys fart when they're cumming. You could get thatTrudeau guy to do an infomercial on them. I apologize but I just don't see the problem. I think you have a gift that we should all be in aww of. Remember the little people, my man. Remember the little people.
Posted 6 months ago | Report -
15take BEANO before and there will be no gas
Posted 5 months ago | Report