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Bad, Bad Idea

The reason for me writing this, is to simply get all of my thoughts in one place. There's far too many right now, and I can't keep track of what has and hasn't been said to different people that it should and shouldn't be said to.

I told my best friend that I have feelings for her in more ways than just as a friend. She's an absolutely amazing girl, and she really is my best friend before she is anything else; It took me a long time to work up the courage to even bother saying anything to her, for that reason. When I told her, she claims that it took her completely off guard. She's not a stupid person, so it makes little to no sense that that could be true. She promised me a hundred times that things weren't going to change, and she wouldn't just throw away her best friend over something like this. I knew going into this whole mess that she wasn't interested, and she wouldn't be. That's not the part that bothers me. The part that bothers me now is that she never actually came out and told me how she feels about it one way or another. Like I said before, I knew that she wasn't going to feel the same way, and that didn't bother me. But she never indicated at all how she felt, whether it be mad, scared, baffled, confused, happy, indifferent, all of the above, or otherwise. It's not that she tried to ignore it. When we spoke the day after I told her, we were both aware of everything that had been said, and because of that, it was awkward. I understand that I have to give her time to let it sink in and really get her head around it, but she promised me it was going to be different, and as dumb as it was to do so, I believed her wholeheartedly. I think she must have known at least a little bit that it was going to be weird for awhile, because like I said, she's not a stupid person.

This is the first time I've ever actually been mad at her for anything. The weird part is, I don't feel like I have any justifiable reason to be mad, because it's my fault, but at the same time, I really am mad at her for a lot of "reasons". First off, I'm supposed to be the one that she tells anything and everything to. She's that person for me, and I desperately want to be that person for her. Even if it's about me, I feel like if she has a problem or a concern, I should know about it if she feels the need to share it with anyone. I know I'm being naive in thinking that she is like me and needs to have one person that you can tell everything to, and I know that I'm also being naive in thinking that if she had a problem that had to do with me, she would talk to me about. That just wouldn't happen. That was proven last night, when she was talking with another really good friend of mine about this whole situation. She told him things that she never told me about how she felt about the situation. She told him about how nothing was going to happen (something I knew, and expected, so it didn't come as a surprise), and she asked him how long this had been going on for. That question kind of makes me feel like she didn't believe me whenever I told her that answer to that question. I know that's not might not be the case, and I'm ridiculous for expecting her to be fine with everything so quickly, but I can't help it. He proceeded to tell her that anything she said to him, he was going to turn around and tell them to me, because he wasn't going to keep me in the dark about things (good fella he is). I imagine him saying that kind of made her filter her words a little bit more. I just really feel like if she needed to talk about it, she should have talked to me about it, because Lord knows I would have felt a hell of a lot better if we sat down and just put absolutely everything on the table, instead of me repeating my same concerns about screwing things up over and over. I feel like she made an effort to make things feel the same as before, but I also feel like she made an effort to stay away from me and avoid talking about it. I feel really weird being mad at her. I guess that's probably because I have nobody to blame but myself, so I'm putting a lot of it on her. It's something I try really hard not to do, but I'm far from perfect.

It's a terribly weird situation, because I think of her as my best friend long before I think of her in any sort of romantic way. I have absolutely no problem talking to her about guys she's interested in, or anything of the sort. She means the world to me, but I need to make it clear that my best friend means a hell of a lot more than any sort of love interest ever will. So anything that goes along with her being my best friend, will always always always come far before how I feel about her in any other sort of a way. That's likely a hard concept for somebody to truly believe when I tell them that, but what else can I do but say it's true, when it is, 100%. I'm terrified that she's going to think thing I've said and done are related to me being interested. I've went on big speels multiple times about how she's an amazing person, and about how she shouldn't put herself in a position where she's with someone that doesn't fully realize that. The major problem, is that she doesn't fully realize it, but that's another story for another day. I don't want her to think that I've said those things to get close with her, or to try and make her interested. I say those things because they're true, and I want her to realize it. Another issue that I don't want her to mis-interpret is the way that we act around each other. We snuggle, ha. We're probably not the least touchy feely people you've ever met. I can see how she could think it was some weird way for me to get close with her, but that's so far from the truth. I don't really know how to prove that. If she believes me, then she believes me. If she doesn't, then that's more proof that telling her was a bad idea in some ways. The point is, it scares me tremendously that she's going to mis-interpret anything I've ever said to her, or any way I've ever acted around her. Anything I've ever said or done has been genuine with her. I'm not one to tell her things she wants to here, in order to get her to be interested back. Hell, I've never put any effort whatsoever into trying to get her to be interested back. I can't act be interested when I'm around her. Not that it's impossible to be, but I, personally, can't think of her as anything other than my best friend whenever we are doing something together, or whenever I talk to her on the phone, or anything along those lines. I don't know if that's a concept people are able to get their heads around, and that's what scares me about the situation.

I wake up in the morning, and start thinking about all of this, and I feel like garbage about it. As the day goes on, I gradually feel better and get a little more hope that things will be back to normal someday. My mood is always so dependent on the weather/time of day/time of year. I generally don't do well with winters. It gets dark so early in the evening, and when the dark hits, I start to feel bad about things. I'm glad the winter is over, and I can eventually go back to being normal me. That said, I've recently discovered that spring and summer is no better for me. I have this thing in my head that makes me think if I get through the winter, everything will be better, and now that the winter is gone, I'm not sure that I feel better about things at all. I'm so back and forth. I also don't like being single, it does bad things to me. It puts me in a weird place, and makes me be a miserable person to be around a lot of the time. I don't know what any of this has to do with the situation I started writing about, but I think indirectly, they are related.

So now she's gone away for 6 weeks. 6 weeks is not a long time in the grand scheme of things; however, 6 weeks IS a long time without your best friend. I miss her a lot, and she's only been gone a few days. I don't miss her in any sort of romantic fashion, but I miss her nonetheless. I don't like not having someone around that I can call or email at any time, and they'll there. Contrary to what she thinks, I don't have people like that. I think one of the reasons that I developed a thing for her is because I've never really had a friend that's been as good of a friend that she is. I could list a hundred things that are great about her, and if i tried to make a list of bad things, I wouldn't be able to come up with enough things to even constitute a list. That's why it feels so weird to actually be mad at her. I have no reason to be. I think that I just need someone to be mad at, and I'm already as mad as I can get at myself, so I need to put it on someone else too. I just wish she could have told me what she actually thought of the situation before she left. I never realized that nothing was said, or asked, about how she felt. Then after she left I realized that it probably should have been a question I asked. I didn't want to put her in any more of an awkward position than I already had, but it probably should have been talked about. I know that she told me she was taken completely off guard, but I imagine that there was more to it than that. I WILL get over her by the time she's back. I have to, because there is no other option. I have to stop falling for girls that I shouldn't fall for. It makes for bad, bad situations.

So I'm sitting here listening to Nick Drake. His songwriting is so fitting for right now. He was such a troubled person, kind of an overlooked gem until he died. You can't help but realize all of his songs must have been written at a time where he was really battling with depression, addictions, and everything else. You can tell in his songwriting that he never really felt like he had a place in the world, he kind of just wandered, and lived through a lot of shit. That's why it boggles my mind that his songs feel like they're so full of hope. It's so fitting for right now. I feel that in some ways, I screwed things up really bad, and her and I will take a long time to get back to how we were before. In those ways, I feel like it was a bad decision to tell her. At the same time, I feel like telling her had to be done if I was actually going to be honest with her about everything. The situation is such a doubled edged sword, just like Nick Drake songs. I relate everything to music, get over it.

Someday I'll probably let her read this book of a rant. It will probably turn out to be a bad idea to do so. But whatever, I make bad decisions all the time, and I'm getting used to it. I just need to live alone so I can sit in my living room, and write songs at 4 in the morning. It'd be good for me to just have my own space, but I would also run the risk of running myself into some depression or something... Ha. Everything to do with me has two sides, and they are always polar opposites of one another.

I'm going on 2300 words... If I could write papers of this length this effortlessly, my marks wouldn't be so poor. In reading back a bit, I've realized that I really love comma splices, ha. I think the end of this rant has atleast a little more positivity than the end does, so maybe starting to write this sucker (3 hours ago) was a good thing. I was not in a good place when I woke up this morning, and I feel like if I stop writing, I'm going to go back to that place. I don't really know what else to write. I'm not the only person to ever go through this situation, it's just that I handle things in a weird way. I'm very open with people about stuff like, but ultimately I have to talk with the person involved to actually get anything out of it. Otherwise, I'm just beating a dead horse and making myself feel worse. Like said I before, i WILL move on, because I have to. Things can't go on like this. I can't dwell on this until we are able to talk about it when she gets back. I miss the way things used to be, and it's only been less than a week since I dropped the bomb. I just want everything to be back to normal when she gets back. I think we'll be fine in the end, but what a miserable time I'm having in the process.

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