Why is it that
... When a man decides he wants to go into business, it is automatically assumed that his wife will forgo anything else she planned to do with her life, and do the bookkeeping and be his secretary/assistant?Why, when a woman decided in middle school, that she had no interest or talent in "secretarial skills", she is EXPECTED to suddenly develop those traits?
And at what point in her life, even if--ESPECIALLY if, the business isn't as successful as he thought it would be, can she say, "I gave you a few years, now I want to do something I'm better suited to? "
Why can't she say, "Now I need and want to have something that is MY accomplishment. And you need to do something that doesn't depend on me to give that up."
Can you see any man, hang in with his wife's self-employment for DECADES? Can you see this conversation?
Wife to Husband: I'm starting a business. I'm going to use every asset and resource we ever acquire, if I need it, for my business. I'm going to work 16 hour days, weekends, and some holidays, while you stay home and do the bookkeeping, take care of the house, and raise our 5 children. The business always comes first, because it feeds us, and even if it takes back everything it gives us, I'm going to keep at it, and you're going to support me and do WHATEVER IT TAKES. Even if you HATE bookkeeping and filing, I expect you to help, because I can't do it alone."
Most men I know wouldn't be supportive of anything their wives wanted to do in the way of making money, if it required them to do nothing else but support the business. And certainly if it didn't produce, even after a few months, they'd be telling her to give it up, because it was sucking up too much of the family resources.
"What do you mean you want to go into (fill in the blank) real estate, retail, catering...? And you want me to (fill in the blank here too) quit my job, stop pursuing my education, give up any hobbies,... To stay home and do WHAT! Bookkeeping and filing? I HATE that stuff! I'm not a secretary and a bookkeeper! I need to (fill it in) be out with people!... Be creative! ... Be with other adults!... I have to have my own personal fulfillment. You can't expect me to do that by being your assistant--to get my sole satisfaction in life through you! I need to be my own man! Are you crazy? How selfish can you be?"
Why, I want to know, does this happen more often than not, and people don't see how totally one-sided it is?
Why, when a woman says after years of financial struggle and uncertainty, that she is just so tired of never knowing from one day, week, month, or year to the next if there's going to be enough money to pay the house payment (all two or three of them, because the house was refinanced or second mortgaged to keep the business going), why is she made to feel guilty because she is just kind of sick of it?
"I thought we were building a life together. I thought you wanted to see it succeed. I thought this was OUR dream. You mean you really want to do something that isn't just with me? You want something that is only YOUR thing? And how can you not be happy after how hard I've worked? How can you tell me this? You're abandoning me."
"One of the reasons it hasn't succeeded as much as we'd liked is because you weren't committed enough. You shouldn't do anything else, but help me make it work better. You shouldn't try to do something on your own. The business will fail if you don't devote yourself to it. You're abandoning me."
And why do I feel like such a terrible person because I just want financial security and less anxiety? And how do I stop being terrified that if I don't keep being mutely supportive and believing him every time he has some new big idea, that we'll starve and lose our house and he'll feel like a complete failure and be mentally ruined?
Seriously, where does it stop being support and become co-dependency? I guess if I have to ask the question...
And don't tell me to go see a psychologist or psychiatrist, because our health insurance got canceled because we couldn't pay the premiums. I just can't see paying money to a mental health professional to discuss the fact that I don't have enough money.
"Hi, I have an anxiety disorder from years of financial stress and uncertainty. Can you help me feel better about the fact that I don't have grocery and gas money--at the rate of $200 per hour? Help me feel good about the fact that I just spent a tank of gas and a week's worth of groceries for you to tell me to breathe deep and go to "my happy place."
And I don't care WHAT Dr Phil says, money is the root of at least 95% of my problems, and enough money would solve 95% of my problems. My husband would finally be able to do something that we BOTH can be happy with--something that doesn't depend on me to do something I hate every day.
I'm looking at Dr. Phil's face right now in the banner on this site. Easy for YOU to say, Dr. Phil, you've got enough money to pay my bills for probably the rest of my life and my children's lives. Try my life for a year. You'll change your tune.
Rating:0.00
Comments
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1
The most bullshit Dr. Phil ever said (the man is made of bullshit) is that money doesn't solve problems.
Posted 5 months ago | Report
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2
Read through the whole DAMNED thing... I was hoping that at least you felt a teeny-tiny, itty-bitty better for letting it out (specially cuz it was *free* - my own favorite price). Anyone who doesn't have the foggiest notion of how to compromise or show appreciation (and at least a little reality check every now and again) sucks dead donkey dong as a partner of ANY kind!
Posted 5 months ago | Report
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3
Why is it when stupid, whiny bitches pump out a couple of pups, the man ceases to exist as a person and simply becomes a ATM?
Posted 5 months ago | Report
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4
The key to any relationship is communication. You say "I'm not happy and I need to explore my own interests" They say "I don't care (insert guilt trip here)". You say "Well, we're going to talk about me living a life I am happy with or we're going to talk about me taking the kids and leaving."
Easier said than done. But if you are depressed and unhappy, being sad about it anonymously on the internet is not going to move you in any direction. Only your own action will do that.
Shit... Now I sound like Dr. Phil...
Posted 5 months ago | Report
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5
You, #3, fail to realize that what I WANT to do and what I'm TRYING to do, is go out and HELP pay the bills! I may be whining (isn't that what this site is for?), but I am NOT stupid! If I were, I probably wouldn't care so much.
And I don't consider my husband an ATM. He's is the most hard-working decent man I have ever met! I want HIM to be happy too. I HATE to see him so tired and stressed-out all the time. I LOVE my husband! That's why I'm so torn. I don't want him to feel abandoned and feel like he failed. GET IT!!! Geez, women who just want an ATM don't stick around for YEARS AND YEARS! NOW who's being stupid?
Posted 5 months ago | Report
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6
Just watch the movie "The Secret" Many think it's B. S. You may also think so, but your thinking HAS to change, (about money). You can figure something out... Just need to reverse your thinking.
Posted 5 months ago | Report
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7
Dear poster, (and #5)
My marriage of 23 years ended last year. My ex and I ran a business for the last 15 of those years. I know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. The women decide it's the man's business and they are there to 'help out'. When it gets boring or hard then the woman feels okay about bailing out and pursuing other interests. The ex talked my dad out of $400, 000 which she then pissed away. Then she bailed on the business, then she bailed on me and now she's fucking my best friend in the house that I paid for. I guess that's helping out and pursuing other interests. Fuck the lot of ya worthless bitches. Get a fucking job and pony up your 50% of the money that you spend. Boo fucking hoo.
Posted 5 months ago | Report
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8
I see this type of thing all the time. It may be considered "their" business, but it is centered around the husband's interests or strengths, and the woman ends up answering the phones and keeping books.
I suggest you hire a part time book keeper, and get yourself a job that you like. Then you will have an income, and be able to help pay the bills.
Posted 5 months ago | Report
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9
couldnt read the whole thing. there is a simple point here. of course the woman should drop whatever she is doing to help out. women are rarely doing anything that important anyways. I know you really wanted to spend the morning shopping before sitting down to bon bons and oprah, but a business will put food on the table that you dont have to charge on the credit card you dumb bitch
Posted 5 months ago | Report
1
The most bullshit Dr. Phil ever said (the man is made of bullshit) is that money doesn't solve problems.Posted 5 months ago | Report
2
Read through the whole DAMNED thing... I was hoping that at least you felt a teeny-tiny, itty-bitty better for letting it out (specially cuz it was *free* - my own favorite price). Anyone who doesn't have the foggiest notion of how to compromise or show appreciation (and at least a little reality check every now and again) sucks dead donkey dong as a partner of ANY kind!Posted 5 months ago | Report
3
Why is it when stupid, whiny bitches pump out a couple of pups, the man ceases to exist as a person and simply becomes a ATM?Posted 5 months ago | Report
4
The key to any relationship is communication. You say "I'm not happy and I need to explore my own interests" They say "I don't care (insert guilt trip here)". You say "Well, we're going to talk about me living a life I am happy with or we're going to talk about me taking the kids and leaving."Easier said than done. But if you are depressed and unhappy, being sad about it anonymously on the internet is not going to move you in any direction. Only your own action will do that.
Shit... Now I sound like Dr. Phil...
Posted 5 months ago | Report
5
You, #3, fail to realize that what I WANT to do and what I'm TRYING to do, is go out and HELP pay the bills! I may be whining (isn't that what this site is for?), but I am NOT stupid! If I were, I probably wouldn't care so much.And I don't consider my husband an ATM. He's is the most hard-working decent man I have ever met! I want HIM to be happy too. I HATE to see him so tired and stressed-out all the time. I LOVE my husband! That's why I'm so torn. I don't want him to feel abandoned and feel like he failed. GET IT!!! Geez, women who just want an ATM don't stick around for YEARS AND YEARS! NOW who's being stupid?
Posted 5 months ago | Report
6
Just watch the movie "The Secret" Many think it's B. S. You may also think so, but your thinking HAS to change, (about money). You can figure something out... Just need to reverse your thinking.Posted 5 months ago | Report
7
Dear poster, (and #5)My marriage of 23 years ended last year. My ex and I ran a business for the last 15 of those years. I know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. The women decide it's the man's business and they are there to 'help out'. When it gets boring or hard then the woman feels okay about bailing out and pursuing other interests. The ex talked my dad out of $400, 000 which she then pissed away. Then she bailed on the business, then she bailed on me and now she's fucking my best friend in the house that I paid for. I guess that's helping out and pursuing other interests. Fuck the lot of ya worthless bitches. Get a fucking job and pony up your 50% of the money that you spend. Boo fucking hoo.
Posted 5 months ago | Report
8
I see this type of thing all the time. It may be considered "their" business, but it is centered around the husband's interests or strengths, and the woman ends up answering the phones and keeping books.I suggest you hire a part time book keeper, and get yourself a job that you like. Then you will have an income, and be able to help pay the bills.
Posted 5 months ago | Report
9
couldnt read the whole thing. there is a simple point here. of course the woman should drop whatever she is doing to help out. women are rarely doing anything that important anyways. I know you really wanted to spend the morning shopping before sitting down to bon bons and oprah, but a business will put food on the table that you dont have to charge on the credit card you dumb bitchPosted 5 months ago | Report
