Apparently Death Isn't a Good Enough Reason
Well... Monday night, my grandfather died. (Strangely enough he was a veteran.) This is the first time someone close to me has passed away, so I'm really having a hard time with it.. Every time I close my eyes I see my grandfather's face and it kills me that he's never going to see what I do with my life. I've been going back and forth from sad to angry these past two nights. Before, I didn't really know what I was angry at, but my mom just gave me a target. I can't even begin to fathom what she just said to me.She's always been a hardass when it comes to school. She would still want me to go to school even if I was vomiting everywhere. And, well, I guess I can understand, since illnesses like that come and go.. (?) .. But this time.. Seriously, he just fucking died after being on a respiratory machine for six hours. It was fucking awful, the most horrible and depressing thing I've ever seen.
And you know what? That's STILL not a good enough excuse to stay home. I actually had the audacity to ask her if I could stay home for two measly fucking days just to fucking clear my head. Two days!! Is that so much to ask?
But my GPA isn't a 4.0 or higher, so she said "no."
(It's 3.4, by the way.)
I can't believe this. And honestly, I'm not asking because I want to be lazy or skip class. This is not fucking about me, it's about my grandfather and his death. The last thing I want to do right now is study for an AP history timed essay that covers 17 chapters (eheheh, we were just informed of this Monday), do 40 math problems, do an English timed essay, and study for a test in accounting. And this is considered a good week at my shitty prep school. God. Doing all this meaningless crap while trying to simultaneously mourn and edit his funeral photo... I can't handle it...
I never thought my mom would value grades so much over my own well-being that she'd force me to do homework while crying. If I'm really lucky, she might change her mind in the morning. More than likely, however, I'm fucked for this week whether I write my essays in tears or struggle to make up for them next week.
Maybe I'm being unfair, but maybe she is, too.
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Comments
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1
That's sad, it really is.
I'm sorry about your grandpa. If you've never missed school very much you should get the rest of the week off
Posted 1 month ago | Report
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2
Sorry for your loss. On the upside, you're almost to the point where your own life begins and you can make your own decisions.
Posted 1 month ago | Report
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3
Bless your heart! Good luck with your Mom! I hope she realizes that she is going to lose her family if she doesn't let go of the total control thing she has going on!
Posted 1 month ago | Report
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4
Your mom probably just wants what's best for you, a lot of people do things like this out of "tough love", it does seem to suck at the time, but when you're older, you'll thank her for it.....
Posted 1 month ago | Report
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5
I know it sucks, but think of it this way: out in the real world, when something major happens you can't just "take a couple days off to clear your head". You pretty much have to go back to work (in most cases). Plus, it would suck even more to have to make all that work up next week.
Posted 1 month ago | Report
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6
Well maybe its just my "real world" but I've never worked anywhere that didn't allow bereavement leave, and I've worked some pretty shitty jobs. Sorry OP, there are times when tough love goes too far and this is one of them. Sorry to hear about your grandfather.
Posted 1 month ago | Report
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7
No, your mom is out of line. Everyone has their own way of dealing with shit and she should respect that.
Posted 1 month ago | Report
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8
She seems to be in denial and unable to cope with death herself - you know what? That's HER problem! If you must, pretend you're going to school for a coupla days - or pick other random days off - and go sit somewhere that will give you time to think and mourn - and remember your grandpa at his best.
I'm so sorry for you loss. And yes everyone copes with grief in their own way - there is no "right" or "wrong" way, except when you deny someone their own way. Fuck that noise. And btw - "tough love" applies when you've fucked up numerous times - not when you're feeling unique and sincere emotions. People that deny death are not really not living themselves. Find a way to do what you need to do. It's YOUR personal trip.
{{hugs}}
Posted 1 month ago | Report
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9
OP, just curious... you never stated the relationship between your mom and your now-deceased grandfather. Was it her father or your dad's father who passed away? Also, if the latter, are your parents still together, or was there an acrimonious breakup?
Understanding these issues might clarify her actions, NOT excuse them.
Your mom could be in mourning herself, and not dealing with it well, and making you a convenient target (as you have with her).
Perhaps she doesn't want you having anything to do with your father's side of the family (following a nasty divorce, this often happens), regardless of the circumstances.
Perhaps she wasn't as close with your grandfather as you were, and was jealous of that relationship you had and is taking it out on you.
While none of these are GOOD reasons for keeping you home form school, they are VALID for consideration behind her motives.
Perhaps you should sit down and discuss this rationally in an adult manner with her, and be the adult in the relationship for once. See if you can work things out and perhaps come to some agreement.
I wish you the best, and you have my condolences for your loss.
Posted 1 month ago | Report
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10
^ A considerate analysis - and helpful in the long run perhaps - but this is the OP'S time for pain, as well as anyone else's. Discussions are ideal, yes, but they rarely happen according to plan, let alone best intentions. Let "mom" seek her own counseling. OP - do what you gotta do....
Posted 1 month ago | Report
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11
OP here.
@ #9: He's actually her father, which is why I was so confused. But your analysis actually makes a lot of sense to me, though, because whenever she feels bad she'll try to pull me down with her. I guess since she couldn't just stop her work, she saw it only fair that I couldn't, either.
But regardless of how angry or distressed she was when I initially asked, she did indeed change her mind in the morning. I'm not sure if it would have been worse to try and do my homework while grieving, but I'm trying to take advantage of this small break while I can. Hopefully I can clear my head well enough so that the upcoming burden of make-up work won't be as bad.
Thanks, everyone, for your condolences, advice, and comments. As sad as this event was, I think I'm going to come out of it a more diligent, responsible, and kind person. I'll do my best to become as great an artist as my grandfather was.
Posted 1 month ago | Report
1
That's sad, it really is.I'm sorry about your grandpa. If you've never missed school very much you should get the rest of the week off
Posted 1 month ago | Report
2
Sorry for your loss. On the upside, you're almost to the point where your own life begins and you can make your own decisions.Posted 1 month ago | Report
3
Bless your heart! Good luck with your Mom! I hope she realizes that she is going to lose her family if she doesn't let go of the total control thing she has going on!Posted 1 month ago | Report
4
Your mom probably just wants what's best for you, a lot of people do things like this out of "tough love", it does seem to suck at the time, but when you're older, you'll thank her for it.....Posted 1 month ago | Report
5
I know it sucks, but think of it this way: out in the real world, when something major happens you can't just "take a couple days off to clear your head". You pretty much have to go back to work (in most cases). Plus, it would suck even more to have to make all that work up next week.Posted 1 month ago | Report
6
Well maybe its just my "real world" but I've never worked anywhere that didn't allow bereavement leave, and I've worked some pretty shitty jobs. Sorry OP, there are times when tough love goes too far and this is one of them. Sorry to hear about your grandfather.Posted 1 month ago | Report
7
No, your mom is out of line. Everyone has their own way of dealing with shit and she should respect that.Posted 1 month ago | Report
8
She seems to be in denial and unable to cope with death herself - you know what? That's HER problem! If you must, pretend you're going to school for a coupla days - or pick other random days off - and go sit somewhere that will give you time to think and mourn - and remember your grandpa at his best. I'm so sorry for you loss. And yes everyone copes with grief in their own way - there is no "right" or "wrong" way, except when you deny someone their own way. Fuck that noise. And btw - "tough love" applies when you've fucked up numerous times - not when you're feeling unique and sincere emotions. People that deny death are not really not living themselves. Find a way to do what you need to do. It's YOUR personal trip.
{{hugs}}
Posted 1 month ago | Report
9
OP, just curious... you never stated the relationship between your mom and your now-deceased grandfather. Was it her father or your dad's father who passed away? Also, if the latter, are your parents still together, or was there an acrimonious breakup? Understanding these issues might clarify her actions, NOT excuse them.
Your mom could be in mourning herself, and not dealing with it well, and making you a convenient target (as you have with her).
Perhaps she doesn't want you having anything to do with your father's side of the family (following a nasty divorce, this often happens), regardless of the circumstances.
Perhaps she wasn't as close with your grandfather as you were, and was jealous of that relationship you had and is taking it out on you.
While none of these are GOOD reasons for keeping you home form school, they are VALID for consideration behind her motives.
Perhaps you should sit down and discuss this rationally in an adult manner with her, and be the adult in the relationship for once. See if you can work things out and perhaps come to some agreement.
I wish you the best, and you have my condolences for your loss.
Posted 1 month ago | Report
10
^ A considerate analysis - and helpful in the long run perhaps - but this is the OP'S time for pain, as well as anyone else's. Discussions are ideal, yes, but they rarely happen according to plan, let alone best intentions. Let "mom" seek her own counseling. OP - do what you gotta do....Posted 1 month ago | Report
11
OP here.@ #9: He's actually her father, which is why I was so confused. But your analysis actually makes a lot of sense to me, though, because whenever she feels bad she'll try to pull me down with her. I guess since she couldn't just stop her work, she saw it only fair that I couldn't, either.
But regardless of how angry or distressed she was when I initially asked, she did indeed change her mind in the morning. I'm not sure if it would have been worse to try and do my homework while grieving, but I'm trying to take advantage of this small break while I can. Hopefully I can clear my head well enough so that the upcoming burden of make-up work won't be as bad.
Thanks, everyone, for your condolences, advice, and comments. As sad as this event was, I think I'm going to come out of it a more diligent, responsible, and kind person. I'll do my best to become as great an artist as my grandfather was.
Posted 1 month ago | Report
