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I suffer from EF

I would like to talk about a problem that has been affecting me for most of my adult life yet I've been forced to suffer in silence with this horrible affliction to this day. I'm sure many of you seen the commercials and magazine ads for medicines and pills to cure ED, or Erectile Dysfunction. Well, I suffer from what the medical texts refer to as EF or Ejaculatory Flatulence. With EF, at the height of sexual arousal, I am stricken with explosive and uncontrollable flatulence. I’m not talking about a little bit of flatulence, I’m talking about the loudest and most offensive smelling gas you have ever experienced emanating from a human being. As you can imagine, suffering from EF can really kill the mood during love making, especially during oral sex. But worse, it has made the act of tea bagging virtually impossible except with the filthiest of women. To this day, tea bagging the woman I love will be a simple joy I’ll never experience.

It all started when I was thirteen or fourteen years old. I had found a copy of Playboy Magazine in my Dad’s closet and hid it under my mattress for further study at another time. That night I did what teenage boys do with dirty magazines . But instead of spending the night with the girl of my dreams, I instead experienced my first of many awful encounters with ejaculatory flatulence. On or about page 104 as I gazed at the beauty of the flaxen haired centerfold my ass exploded with gas so malodorous my parents awoke and were sure that there was a natural gas leak in the house and forced the whole family to evacuate. There I was, standing outside of my house confused and looking like I was smuggling a length of pepperoni in my pajamas and as far as my parents were concerned, I appeared to be strangely aroused by the notion of our house blowing up. I never said anything then and that silence has lasted all the way until this very moment.

In the next few years all the way to today I’ve tried so many cures, but nothing has worked. I even tried to date deaf women, but they could still smell it. I tried to date women with no sense of smell, but they could still hear it. I even tried dating women who were deaf with no sense of smell, but to this day my Craigslist ad looking for such a woman still has no replies.

Yes, that’s my story and that’s my secret shame. So the next time you pop a Viagra and make sweet love your significant other, just remember there’s no little blue pill to cure my affliction.

Rating:4.20

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