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To The Boys Who Don't Get It

Dear A and R,

You guys are some of the most awesome friends I've ever had. Yeah, we've all had our ups and downs, but we've gotten through them before. But now, it's a whole different ball game.

Let's start with A. You are a 22 year old man who works at Wal-Mart. I am a 17 year old high school student who used to work at Wal-Mart. In December you told me you liked me. I told you that I didn't have any feelings for you what-so-ever, and to be honest, I thought your feelings were ever so slightly on the pedophile side, but in order to maintain our friendship, I continued to hang out with you. Every break I had was spent with you. Good times, no? In March or April (I don't remember anymore) you told me you loved me. I still maintained that I had no feelings for you, but once again, I continued to hang out with you. Why? Because I valued our friendship more than that. For my birthday, you gave me a diamond bracelet. Thanks. I told you not to, but you did anyways. Why? Because you insisted that it was because "I was such a good friend". OK. In May, I quit that hell hole because I felt that my entire life ended up revolving around a store that I couldn't care less about. I couldn't hang out with my friends, my family, concentrate in school, or anything. When I quit, you looked a bit upset, but I said I would find some time in the summer to hang out with you. That seemed to do the trick. June came, and we talked almost everyday on the phone. My phone bill was insane, and my mom's still yelling at me for it. Eventually July came and school was out. Now you have to understand one thing about me, my friend. My summer time is usually jam-packed with family activities. It just so happens that my family from Newfoundland is over this summer. I told you this. I also told you that I probably wouldn't have much time for anything else this summer. You said alright. Somehow, I sneaked out one morning and met you at a Tim Horton's. I thought we had a pretty good time, just talking. But you took some of my words the wrong way when I once again told you that I probably wouldn't have time to meet up with you again during the summer. My family came over, I became accustomed to leaving my phone on silent or at home, and I ended up missing your calls. So you send me a text message declaring that if I don't talk to you within the next day, you're going to call my house to talk (you see, readers, my parents are nice Indian folk who don't approve of boys at this age). You knew this fact, but none-the-less decided to blackmail me with it. So I sent you an angry message back explaining why I hadn't been answering your calls. You apologized. A few days ago (about a week or so after that incident), you called me again after I visited you at Wal-Mart. You were angry at me. You said that you weren't calling me because you thought I was ignoring you, and that we used to talk everyday with you, but now I never call. You were angry that we never hung out. You were hurt because you felt as though I thought that the months we had spent together were meaningless. I told you once again what my situation was. I don't feel that I was ever dishonest in this relationship- I mean, I told you right from the beginning where I stood. You seemed to be consoled by my apology. and I've been calling more often since, to keep you happy. Today though, after I called to say hello, you asked me to hang out at the mall with you. I told you that I couldn't because I was spending time with my parents. This made you angry because every time you "ask me to do something", I "always have plans" with my family. So, sue me. I told you earlier on that I was going to be busy. I didn't over-exaggerate, I was being honest. I see my family from Newfoundland once a year, and I rarely get the opportunity to spend time with my parents, they're always busy. I'm not going to blow that off for my friends- I'm more of a family oriented person. But once again, I play the bad guy in the situation, apologize and you tell me you have to go. You're angry at me, I can tell, and you ended up making me feel horrible for wanting to spend time with those who gave me birth. The summer time is usually "me" time- it's the one time of the year where I don't really get together with my friends, and instead spend it just spend it doing what I want to do. With that said, I don't hang out with any of my other friends, either. So I don't understand why you're getting worked up. It's not like I have an obligation to you or anything. It's not like we're going out. And I'm sure you have other friends (your age) who want to hang out with you. Why not spend time with them? I'm sure that they might be able to. I didn't tell this to you on the phone when we spoke, but the next time you bring it up, I intend on doing it. If you can't respect that fact about me, you've never really understood where my priorities lay, and we can't be friends.

Now R. R, R, R. You've been an amazing friend for this last semester of high school. We spent every period (except first) together. We shared a locker. Walked to every class together. Sat together in class. Ate our meals together. The works. In March, you also told me you had feelings for me. I was very flattered, but you were my friend, and I had no romantic feelings for you. So I told you that, but, like the situation with Adam, I insisted that we remain friends and that nothing change between us. All was fine and dandy- until June, that is. At that point, I felt a bit claustrophobic with you around and I wanted some space. But I couldn't tell you that. Why? Because I was afraid that I would hurt your feelings, and that was honestly the last thing I wanted. So I tried to put some distance between us, but I didn't realize how much it ended up hurting you. You recently told me that it made you feel like the "dirt beneath my shoe", and for that I'm sorry. A few days ago, I apologized to you for everything. You were upset, and I suppose you have reason to be. We talked for hours and you told me how you felt. I told you how I felt. I called you two days ago, and we actually had a normal conversation- like the way we used to. That conversation made me so happy, and just feel so complete with myself, and with life. I was content and glad. And then yesterday you said that you were OK with me (but that you weren't going to forget what happened). I could settle for that. But a mere two minutes later, you told me that perhaps you had spoken too soon. And we were back at square one. I thought we were doing so well, and that broke my heart. It was like you took my heart, and stamped on it. I guess I deserved it, and we have yet to fully resolve our problems, seeing as I haven't spoken to you today. But you need to tell me if you want to be my friend at all. I understand that you're hurt and that you don't trust me right now, but if I didn't care, I wouldn't be making an effort in the first place. I need you to talk to me, and you just don't do that. I love you, you're my best friend, and I want to make things right between us. Someone wise once said that we hurt the ones we love, the most. I guess it's true. But I want to try to remove the pain, and maybe even heal the scar. I've said sorry about a million times, and I don't want it to come to a point where it's a meaningless word. I can't say anymore to you at this stage. It's all on you now, and whether or not you want my friendship at all.

It seems that my fear of real relationships has finally come to kick me in the ass. I guess I deserve it, but that doesn't mean that I want to deal with it. I've tried my best to level with you guys, but now, I'm just tired. I'm tired of feeling like crap because you guys are so attached. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night because of the stress. I'm tired of worrying. And I don't know what to do with you guys at all. If you can't handle who I am, then these relationships won't ever work. I've always been honest with you guys about everything, I've never hid my true self. So why can't you guys just accept me, for me?

- G

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